Going back to my anxieties

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I talked about my anxiety attack, but I never really got to the root of my problems. I've been distracted... I’ve been busy studying and learning about these things: writing salespages/copywriting, using autoresponders, affiliate marketing, article marketing, video blogging, using Google adsense & other methods of monetizing a blog, etc. etc.

Plus, I’ve also been trying really hard to put useful content on my blog. It’s coming along real slow.

I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Information overload: it’s bound to happen.

So, today I want to get to the root of my problem in the past 3 months.

Why am I feeling so anxious?

1. Identity – should I use my real name or not? Why should I? And why shouldn’t I? (I decided to use 2 pseudonyms for now.)

If I use it, then I’d feel weighed down all the more – weighed down by expectations and pressures from other people. I know it. I know people expect a lot from me, that I know a lot. That I know a terrible lot. And that makes me really terrified. What if I fall flat on my face? What if I really don’t know a lot and I disappoint myself and the [people who know me?
I know that’s ridiculous but that’s how I feel most of the time these days.
Another thing: I’m not sure if my friends (most of them are in the academe) will see this as a worthy endeavor. I mean, blogging is not really something considered as a “legitimate” occupation yet in my circle. A hobby perhaps, but not a job or a viable business potion. I really hope I can change this perception though.

So… What’s the worst thing that can happen here?
a) They stop being my friends.
b) They don’t support my blog or even take time to read it.
c) They tell me to get back on the market and find a “real” job like what my mom always nags me to do.

Okay, now that I’ve seen the worst-case scenario I can breathe a little better. First, I don’t think many of them will stop being my friends. I doubt that very much. I’m just too anxious.

Second, I know some of them will be interested in my chosen topic and some of the articles I will write or have written but not all of them will be. Not all of them likes to travel or would like to backpack when they travel so I guess I shouldn’t be too disappointed by this. After all, there are 20 million Internet users in this country and I only have what 200 friends? So, it’s not a big deal. But, I know I would want them to visit my blog and show their support because well, I need it.

Moving on…

2. Niche – admittedly, I sometimes think I’m presumptuous. Who am I to say that I am THE Pinay Backpacker? How many places have I actually gone to in the past 10-15 years? Not a whole lot, compared to my friend Raz, and he doesn’t consider himself a backpacker. (And yet, my site’s name is pinaybackpacker.com)

How many of these trips did I pay for myself? How many lasted more than a weekend? How many involved actual exploration? Well, I am perfectly aware of these but then again, I am not claiming to be an expert YET.

Backpacking is relatively new (as a concept) in this country. Unlike Europeans, most of us can’t travel on our gap years (right after highschool or college graduation).

Besides, backpacking is not something that one gets certified for. No institution or agency will give you an exam and make you take an oath. So, what am I so afraid of?

And yes, I’ve traveled to some really far-off places and have had some opportunity to do community immersions and exposure trips since I was in college. I think I’ve traveled more than most people. And yet, I also know that there are still so many places that I need to go to and would want to explore given time and extra money. Besides, Seth Godin says we are all experts, in our own way. And each of us have unique set of backgrounds, experiences, values and knowledge to draw from. So, I shouldn’t be so anxious. It’s just so happened that the domain name was available and I felt that it was the most catchy one I can think of.

3. Motivation and Goals – why am I blogging again? What do I want to achieve?

This issue is a little muddled in my mind right now. So, I need to really thresh this out.

I have three main goals as of yesterday:
a. To inform and educate
b. To entertain
c. To earn at least $300 a month

Today, I am not so sure. Because the more I blog and the more I visit other blogs the more I see that those 3 aren’t as easy to do as I hoped. There are so many blogs out there. I think 3,000 new ones are created every hour.

In my niche alone, I’ve seen many blogs that are really informative and interesting. Mainly because these people actually travel, and are blogging their way from a different place/country each entry, and they have pictures to prove it!

While all I have are memories and a bunch of friends spread out all over the country and all over the planet. This is because I don’t own a camera and have never really had the foresight that pictures will come in handy one day.

I now see that this blog isn’t going to be my last. In fact, I’ve already started working on 2 more blogs in the past week. Until I am able to travel more extensively, I can’t compete with those who are blogging about exotic and exciting places.

So, I’ll have to offer something else. Right now, I haven’t figured that out yet. That’s why my insecurities are eating me up. And why I haven’t been able to write as many blog entries as I should have.

However, I feel that my motivations are still intact. My goals may change tomorrow but my purpose will never waver.

They are:
1. To help send my former students in Palawan through highschool and maybe even college
2. To inspire others to travel and explore more of my beloved country through my writing.
3. To express my love and appreciation for this country – with all its strengths and flaws.
4. To learn how I can achieve financial freedom through available opportunities in the Internet.

Okay, so what should I do next?
Where do I go from here?

Insights from my more brilliant self

Woman & Child

She…

…is independent and assertive

…dreams big and pursues what she believes in

…is charming without her knowing it

…can laugh at herself and just have fun

…is well-respected and knows when to get down to business

…may act strong even when vulnerable inside

…is aware of her limitations but dares to go beyond them

…asks questions as if seeing things for the first time

…can take care of herself but loves to be pampered nonetheless

…has a mind of her own and can make firm decisions

…is sensitive to others and has a soft heart within

…serves as a role model and inspiration to many

…can be understanding but may be hard to understand

…loves to learn and seeks to be inspired

…can find joy even in the silliest things

…appreciates security but delights in surprises

…recognizes and enjoy’s life’s little pleasures

…has a sense of self, is unique and gets away with it

…gives love, yearns for love and is loved

…is a woman yet also a child inside.

I am both a WOMAN and a CHILD

A shadow of my old self

This was my Journal entry on May 22, 2006. Three years ago today.

Where is she now? Where is my old self?
Can I summon her here.. right now? I need her quick!

MAKE A LIFE, NOT JUST A LIVING!

INTRODUCTION

Action Steps

1. Success is having a balanced life; being great in all areas of your life. It’s not just about having a financially-rewarding and prestigious career or having properties and stocks but using all of these things to help other people achieve their dreams while you are pursuing yours.

For me, it’s about having meaningful relationships, knowing yourself and your needs and being completely happy regardless of the material things you don’t have.

Also, in order to be successful, one should not focus solely on the FRUITS of our labor, but more importantly, on the ROOTS. The ABCs are: attitude, beliefs and commitments.

2. Obituary:

Crystal is a person of integrity. She devoted her life towards making this place a better one for fellow artists, screen/TV writers, authors, musicians, singers, comedians, theater actors, production people, managers, and entrepreneurs using her blessings and ever-expanding sphere of influence. She was a very generous and kind person who found delight in the simplest of pleasures. She loved to cook for her friends and family and laughed at the silliest jokes of her grandchildren. She was always the life of the party and she was well-loved by her colleagues and employees. She loved to experiment and was an adventurer. Even in her 70's she was still trying out new things and conquering her fears. She was the epitome of a Renaissance woman.

3. I’ll know I have succeeded when I see my children living balanced and successful lives because they learned through my example.

4. MAXIMIZERS Principles (Rate yourself from 1 – 10)

a. M - I take charge of my life and am a difference-maker: 8

b. A - I live my life with a sense of destiny: 8

c. X - I embrace problems as positive opportunities: 8

d. I - I center my life on bedrock principles: 6

e. M - I passionately pursue my mission: 7

f. I - I keep all vital areas of my life in balance: 6

g. Z - I put others first and honestly serve them: 6

h. E - I cultivate my character and spirit: 7

i. R - I keep adjusting to needs: 6

j. S - I never, ever, ever quit: 5

CHAPTER 1

Action Steps

1. I see myself as a victor! I believe I have the capacity to determine my life’s direction and of making the right decisions despite the many challenges and conflicting interests of people around me. I also believe that I’m perfectly able and, in fact, have been struggling to do it for several years now, am gaining control on my thoughts, belief systems and attitudes. That is because I give myself time to creatively reflect every once in a while. An example is the decision to move from one job to another in the last three years until I can find my niche and follow my heart’s desire in pursuing my dream to become a writer.

2. I’m quite disciplined when it comes to work now, more than I was a couple of years back. I’m also disciplined in giving myself time to relax and re-charge after a period of intense work. I am LEAST disciplined when it comes to EATING and doing EXERCISE.

3. ParishChurch. And go to Annanda Marga on Saturday mornings to attend free yoga classes. I would like to start exercising again on a regular basis. I wish I can get up everyday at 6am to attend the free Tai Chi class in our Parish Church.

4. My BAD Habits are:
   1. Watching TV for more than 3 hours each day which keeps me from doing more productive work.
   2. Not waking up at the appointed time.
   3. Eating too much.
   4. Spending too much on FOOD.
   5. Eating too much sweets.
   6. Procrastinating (and cramming).

Chapter 2

Action Steps

1. Complete the ff statements:

A. I am special because

1.) Because I have the gift of making people at ease and I am a very good listener. People come to me with all sorts of problems and troubles and they feel good after being with me.

2.) Because I am very creative, I can weave words into a story and I shape my life into a masterpiece.

3.) Because I have faith and I have a strong relationship with my God and I believe that I am exactly where I need to be at every moment.

B. I can make a difference in these ways:

1.) Helping the people around me achieve their dreams, by encouraging them and boosting their self esteem

2.) Introducing people with a certain need to those people who can respond to these needs. I believe that we are all interdependent and we will only be successful by helping others in their journey.

3.) Touching people’s lives, loving them and trusting them that they will make the right decisions.

C. I must fulfill my destiny (reason for being) by:

1.) By showing up when and where I am needed. By working hard and doing my best every time.

2.) By confronting my fears and inspiring others to do the same.

3.) By having a grateful heart, by always thanking God for all the blessings and challenges He will throw my way.

Therefore, I see myself as a SIGNIFICANT PERSON.

2. Here are three major soft spots I need to admit to myself, to others and to God.

a. I can be lazy at times, I tell myself that I don’t have time to exercise but the truth is I am just too lazy to do it.

b. I am getting more selective when it comes to choosing friends. I look at friendships as an investment so I choose people according to their ROI (return of investment) potential. I choose those whom I perceive who can help me in the future or those I can help in the future.

c. I am so extravagant when it comes to food and books. I spend all my money on restaurants and on buying books and magazines. I seldom buy clothes or anything that I need like toiletries etc. Plus, I love to travel whenever I can even when I only have P2000 on my pocket.

I would love to travel more. Plus, I would love to spend more to buy paintings, watching theatrical plays concerts and movies. I’m not sure if this is a weakness though.

3. Here’s how I will look for opportunities to grow in the coming year:

1. I will always keep my ears open and always be on the lookout how I can help people.

2. I will be thankful when problems/crises arise because as the Chinese say, “there is opportunity in crisis” or as one famous wise man puts it, “failures are blessings in disguise”.

3. I’ll continue to work on my weaknesses, cultivate my strengths and be generous in sharing my time and learning with friends and strangers alike.

MAXIMIZER’S CREED

I will take charge of my life and make a difference.

I will live my life with a sense of dignity.

I will embrace problems as positive opportunity.

I will center my life on universal principles.

I will passionately pursue my mission.

I will keep all vital areas of my life in balance.

I will put others fist and honestly serve them.

I will cultivate my character and spirit.

I will keep adjusting to needs.

I will never, ever, ever quit.

Anxiety attacks

It’s Monday once again. More than 2 months have passed since I got my domain name and yet I was only able to post 5 entries in my blog before it was attacked by malaware. I suspect this was because I was downloading and uploading plug-ins and free Wordpress themes in several Internet cafés, trying to make my site pretty and not concentrating enough on the content.

Plus, it’s hard to think when it’s so noisy and most of your seatmates are playing Tantra and shouting invectives at no one in particular. I’m not a very flexible person that way. I can’t tolerate too much noise.

It’s a good thing I finally had a DSL connection installed at home just 3 days ago.

What to do eh? I’m eager to start my new quest – to become the go-to girl when it comes to backpacking in the Philippines. But…and this is a big BUT. I don’t know if I can really WING IT.

I’m having a major anxiety attack. I can’t sleep at night and my appetite has gone haywire.

I doubt if I can do this on my own. But I have no choice because the 2 people I thought I could rely on and who committed to be on board proved to be unreliable. It’s been 2 months and yet, they don’t have anything to show for. All the meetings and email exchanges were in vain. I shouldn’t have kept my expectations up. But I don’t want to stay disappointed either. After all, I still would like to keep them as friends – but not as business partners. So, I need to revise my original plans. I’m a one-man team from now on.

I will just do this on my own for now but I will still ask help from my friends. I know some of them will be willing to write an article or 2 but not really commit to being part of the team. It’s hard enough to convince people to blog about their experience, let alone convince them that a blog can earn them money. I can’t afford to outsource yet. I don’t even have enough money right now to pay for my webhosting plan if ever my free subscription runs out.

Besides, I really don’t know if it WILL EARN MONEY. I can’t guarantee that at all. All I know is that I am willing to do whatever it takes and no matter how long it takes to do it.

I don’t want to go work for anybody else, I’m not very good at it. And I don’t like commuting to work, I get sick all the time from the stress, the pollution, the traffic… Plus, I don’t like being bossed around by too many people.

The past year has been really difficult. It’s a daily struggle. I feel disoriented even now, inspite of the fact that I’ve been back from Palawan for over a year now. And yet, I feel like so much has changed and I can’t quite keep up with it all. Why didn’t they tell us this in the debriefing? I feel slow – literally and figuratively. I can’t quite figure out what is wrong with me. I am not living in an island anymore. I get to watch TV now, listen to the evening news, read the newspapers, use my cellphone and surf the Internet. And yet, a part of me is not functioning optimally.

Plus the fact that I miss my simpler, island life. I actually do. I miss the idea of teaching and telling stories to my students and seeing their eyes light up with understanding. I miss the fact that the whole community welcomed me into their arms and have shown me overwhelming support in my endeavors. I miss my overachieving self. I guess it’s easy to overachieve when they have so little and you have so much to give.

Now, back in Manila I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to do anything brilliantly. I feel so mediocre now. I feel like a BIG disappointment to everyone. Especially my mom.

I don’t feel satisfied with my performance at the jobs I’ve taken on in the past year. And I’ve had 4 already. Just in the past 10 months – June to April. This is a complete turnaround from my 10 months in Palawan as a volunteer from June 2007 to April 2008. It’s a very disturbing contrast. I was looking at the 10-paged Achievement Report I submitted to the Gurong Pahinungod last April 12, 2008 and I wonder to myself where has this person gone? I don’t know if I can get her back. I feel so… INADEQUATE these days. I am a big let down.

That’s why I decided to completely STOP whatever it is I am doing. Just so I can take stock of my life and where I’m heading – which is nowhere. FAST.

I am not sure what I want to do, but I do know I don’t want to work anymore; not in the corporate world nor in the academe. Not yet, it would take a while before I feel confident about teaching in a classroom again. I don’t feel that I’m up to the task.

What I really want to do is to be involved in community projects. I want to volunteer again. But I can’t afford to do that yet. Not yet. I have to save some money first.

But how do I make money without a job?

Well, this is where blogging comes in. I figured I really like writing – though I know I’m not really great at it. But I’ve had articles published before so maybe I’m not too bad at it. Plus, I really like traveling. But all my travels in the past almost always had to do with some form of volunteer activity I’m involved in. After all, I’ve been volunteering for NGOs and community projects since my highschool days.