Going back to my anxieties

It’s been almost 2 weeks since I talked about my anxiety attack, but I never really got to the root of my problems. I've been distracted... I’ve been busy studying and learning about these things: writing salespages/copywriting, using autoresponders, affiliate marketing, article marketing, video blogging, using Google adsense & other methods of monetizing a blog, etc. etc.

Plus, I’ve also been trying really hard to put useful content on my blog. It’s coming along real slow.

I feel more overwhelmed than ever. Information overload: it’s bound to happen.

So, today I want to get to the root of my problem in the past 3 months.

Why am I feeling so anxious?

1. Identity – should I use my real name or not? Why should I? And why shouldn’t I? (I decided to use 2 pseudonyms for now.)

If I use it, then I’d feel weighed down all the more – weighed down by expectations and pressures from other people. I know it. I know people expect a lot from me, that I know a lot. That I know a terrible lot. And that makes me really terrified. What if I fall flat on my face? What if I really don’t know a lot and I disappoint myself and the [people who know me?
I know that’s ridiculous but that’s how I feel most of the time these days.
Another thing: I’m not sure if my friends (most of them are in the academe) will see this as a worthy endeavor. I mean, blogging is not really something considered as a “legitimate” occupation yet in my circle. A hobby perhaps, but not a job or a viable business potion. I really hope I can change this perception though.

So… What’s the worst thing that can happen here?
a) They stop being my friends.
b) They don’t support my blog or even take time to read it.
c) They tell me to get back on the market and find a “real” job like what my mom always nags me to do.

Okay, now that I’ve seen the worst-case scenario I can breathe a little better. First, I don’t think many of them will stop being my friends. I doubt that very much. I’m just too anxious.

Second, I know some of them will be interested in my chosen topic and some of the articles I will write or have written but not all of them will be. Not all of them likes to travel or would like to backpack when they travel so I guess I shouldn’t be too disappointed by this. After all, there are 20 million Internet users in this country and I only have what 200 friends? So, it’s not a big deal. But, I know I would want them to visit my blog and show their support because well, I need it.

Moving on…

2. Niche – admittedly, I sometimes think I’m presumptuous. Who am I to say that I am THE Pinay Backpacker? How many places have I actually gone to in the past 10-15 years? Not a whole lot, compared to my friend Raz, and he doesn’t consider himself a backpacker. (And yet, my site’s name is pinaybackpacker.com)

How many of these trips did I pay for myself? How many lasted more than a weekend? How many involved actual exploration? Well, I am perfectly aware of these but then again, I am not claiming to be an expert YET.

Backpacking is relatively new (as a concept) in this country. Unlike Europeans, most of us can’t travel on our gap years (right after highschool or college graduation).

Besides, backpacking is not something that one gets certified for. No institution or agency will give you an exam and make you take an oath. So, what am I so afraid of?

And yes, I’ve traveled to some really far-off places and have had some opportunity to do community immersions and exposure trips since I was in college. I think I’ve traveled more than most people. And yet, I also know that there are still so many places that I need to go to and would want to explore given time and extra money. Besides, Seth Godin says we are all experts, in our own way. And each of us have unique set of backgrounds, experiences, values and knowledge to draw from. So, I shouldn’t be so anxious. It’s just so happened that the domain name was available and I felt that it was the most catchy one I can think of.

3. Motivation and Goals – why am I blogging again? What do I want to achieve?

This issue is a little muddled in my mind right now. So, I need to really thresh this out.

I have three main goals as of yesterday:
a. To inform and educate
b. To entertain
c. To earn at least $300 a month

Today, I am not so sure. Because the more I blog and the more I visit other blogs the more I see that those 3 aren’t as easy to do as I hoped. There are so many blogs out there. I think 3,000 new ones are created every hour.

In my niche alone, I’ve seen many blogs that are really informative and interesting. Mainly because these people actually travel, and are blogging their way from a different place/country each entry, and they have pictures to prove it!

While all I have are memories and a bunch of friends spread out all over the country and all over the planet. This is because I don’t own a camera and have never really had the foresight that pictures will come in handy one day.

I now see that this blog isn’t going to be my last. In fact, I’ve already started working on 2 more blogs in the past week. Until I am able to travel more extensively, I can’t compete with those who are blogging about exotic and exciting places.

So, I’ll have to offer something else. Right now, I haven’t figured that out yet. That’s why my insecurities are eating me up. And why I haven’t been able to write as many blog entries as I should have.

However, I feel that my motivations are still intact. My goals may change tomorrow but my purpose will never waver.

They are:
1. To help send my former students in Palawan through highschool and maybe even college
2. To inspire others to travel and explore more of my beloved country through my writing.
3. To express my love and appreciation for this country – with all its strengths and flaws.
4. To learn how I can achieve financial freedom through available opportunities in the Internet.

Okay, so what should I do next?
Where do I go from here?