Anxiety attacks

It’s Monday once again. More than 2 months have passed since I got my domain name and yet I was only able to post 5 entries in my blog before it was attacked by malaware. I suspect this was because I was downloading and uploading plug-ins and free Wordpress themes in several Internet cafés, trying to make my site pretty and not concentrating enough on the content.

Plus, it’s hard to think when it’s so noisy and most of your seatmates are playing Tantra and shouting invectives at no one in particular. I’m not a very flexible person that way. I can’t tolerate too much noise.

It’s a good thing I finally had a DSL connection installed at home just 3 days ago.

What to do eh? I’m eager to start my new quest – to become the go-to girl when it comes to backpacking in the Philippines. But…and this is a big BUT. I don’t know if I can really WING IT.

I’m having a major anxiety attack. I can’t sleep at night and my appetite has gone haywire.

I doubt if I can do this on my own. But I have no choice because the 2 people I thought I could rely on and who committed to be on board proved to be unreliable. It’s been 2 months and yet, they don’t have anything to show for. All the meetings and email exchanges were in vain. I shouldn’t have kept my expectations up. But I don’t want to stay disappointed either. After all, I still would like to keep them as friends – but not as business partners. So, I need to revise my original plans. I’m a one-man team from now on.

I will just do this on my own for now but I will still ask help from my friends. I know some of them will be willing to write an article or 2 but not really commit to being part of the team. It’s hard enough to convince people to blog about their experience, let alone convince them that a blog can earn them money. I can’t afford to outsource yet. I don’t even have enough money right now to pay for my webhosting plan if ever my free subscription runs out.

Besides, I really don’t know if it WILL EARN MONEY. I can’t guarantee that at all. All I know is that I am willing to do whatever it takes and no matter how long it takes to do it.

I don’t want to go work for anybody else, I’m not very good at it. And I don’t like commuting to work, I get sick all the time from the stress, the pollution, the traffic… Plus, I don’t like being bossed around by too many people.

The past year has been really difficult. It’s a daily struggle. I feel disoriented even now, inspite of the fact that I’ve been back from Palawan for over a year now. And yet, I feel like so much has changed and I can’t quite keep up with it all. Why didn’t they tell us this in the debriefing? I feel slow – literally and figuratively. I can’t quite figure out what is wrong with me. I am not living in an island anymore. I get to watch TV now, listen to the evening news, read the newspapers, use my cellphone and surf the Internet. And yet, a part of me is not functioning optimally.

Plus the fact that I miss my simpler, island life. I actually do. I miss the idea of teaching and telling stories to my students and seeing their eyes light up with understanding. I miss the fact that the whole community welcomed me into their arms and have shown me overwhelming support in my endeavors. I miss my overachieving self. I guess it’s easy to overachieve when they have so little and you have so much to give.

Now, back in Manila I feel like a failure. I can’t seem to do anything brilliantly. I feel so mediocre now. I feel like a BIG disappointment to everyone. Especially my mom.

I don’t feel satisfied with my performance at the jobs I’ve taken on in the past year. And I’ve had 4 already. Just in the past 10 months – June to April. This is a complete turnaround from my 10 months in Palawan as a volunteer from June 2007 to April 2008. It’s a very disturbing contrast. I was looking at the 10-paged Achievement Report I submitted to the Gurong Pahinungod last April 12, 2008 and I wonder to myself where has this person gone? I don’t know if I can get her back. I feel so… INADEQUATE these days. I am a big let down.

That’s why I decided to completely STOP whatever it is I am doing. Just so I can take stock of my life and where I’m heading – which is nowhere. FAST.

I am not sure what I want to do, but I do know I don’t want to work anymore; not in the corporate world nor in the academe. Not yet, it would take a while before I feel confident about teaching in a classroom again. I don’t feel that I’m up to the task.

What I really want to do is to be involved in community projects. I want to volunteer again. But I can’t afford to do that yet. Not yet. I have to save some money first.

But how do I make money without a job?

Well, this is where blogging comes in. I figured I really like writing – though I know I’m not really great at it. But I’ve had articles published before so maybe I’m not too bad at it. Plus, I really like traveling. But all my travels in the past almost always had to do with some form of volunteer activity I’m involved in. After all, I’ve been volunteering for NGOs and community projects since my highschool days.